It’s crazy that up until today.. it’s still somewhat you that I want. I’ve recently been seeing you in my dreams… and I try not to let it get to me, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what to make of any of it! Sucks how when I feel like I’ve met someone I find reasons not to like them and compare them so much to you.. even though you weren’t that great, you showed me exactly what I want… and for some reason.. it’s still you.. or the idea of who you were. Yeah that’s it.. it’s who you were that I’m looking for.
OKAY RANT OVER. I hate it when I get like this. But I just had to let it out.
I believe that in some point of everyone’s life they are going to come in contact with such substances whether they like it or not. In my opinion drugs and alcohol are a very bad thing… when used wrong. Not trying to be a hypocrite or anything, but when people let these things control them and reach the point in which they can’t even do anything or function properly without these things.. then there is some terribly wrong and they need help. I believe that as long as people use them with responsibility and are conscious about the consequences and handle themselves correctly and presentably.. then it’s all good. One of my pet peeves are sloppy drunks who say EXTREMELY stupid things and falling, barfing everywhere.. especially drunk girls.. oh my. Just know your limits.. and we will have no problem.
In 10 years I am going to be 28. fuckityfuckfuck. That’s freakin’ old?!?!? -_____- I hope to be out of school, starting a career whatever I decide on.. hopefully dating someone who is respectful and someone that I am probably close to marrying, if I am not already married. I hope to have traveled to at least 2 countries outside of the United States. and what I’d like the most is to be just as happy as I am now :)
Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Single life is…. dandy I suppose. It has its pros and cons. I’ll start with the pros. You have the opportunity to learn about yourself, be yourself, have time for yourself, and only worry about yourself. There isn’t the stress of always considering someone’s feelings.. and putting someone’s happiness before yours. I’ve been enjoying being single because I feel like I can be my own person without having to be dependent on someone to bring me happiness, I can bring it upon myself. I think that’s the biggest thing I’ve enjoyed about being single so far.. knowing that I can be happy on my own no matter how happy I thought I was when I was in a relationship. Unfortunately as much as I enjoy being single, I also miss having someone’s company and being able to share a bond that only you two understand. I miss random texts and phone calls, because those were always nice. I also miss just being completely comfortable and goofy with one person who understands and appreciates you in every way, flaws and all. I guess that’s the only con of being single, missing the comfort that you have when you know someone has the same feelings for you. Especially since it takes a lot of time and effort for me to be completely comfortable with people.. it just makes me miss it a tad bit more. BUUUUUT WHAATEVS :)
Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years. Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol. Day 04 - Your views on religion. Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life. Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life. Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like. Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss. Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up. Day 12 - Bullet your whole day. Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit. Day 14 - Your earliest memory. Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs. Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music. Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year. Day 18 - Your beliefs. Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents. Day 20 - How important you think education is. Day 21 - One of your favorite shows. Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years? Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive. Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about. Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why. Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you. Day 27 - A problem that you have had. Day 28 - Something that you miss. Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days. Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month
I’ve come to terms that we can never be just friends. It’s been exactly 2 months since we last spoke, seen each other, and spent moments together. I don’t know how to explain what happened, and I’m not going to try. I mean I’ve gotten over you. I don’t think about you anymore, but lately I find myself having subtle thoughts of you… I’m sure that’s going to happen for the rest of my life and it doesn’t really bother me anymore. I’ve accepted that. I just realized that we can never be friends. We can never be friends, because I will always see you as more than a friend, best friend, whatever. I’m glad this whole lost of contact, no way of talking to each other thing has happened because it has helped with the process for me to become better rather than bitter about the everything. After that last time we saw eachother.. I felt like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulder… but for some reason I feel like I still have a lot to say to you, but I know there is nothing left. I’ve come to terms with that, and it is sad that we lost ourselves, and friendship with everything that has happened.. but I guess it’s for the better. I just hope with whatever you do with your life, you do your best and be happy.. I know I will always some type of love you.. and no matter how ready we think we are to be friends.. it’s just never going to happen.. you’re nothing but a memory to me now.. and I’m glad I can keep it that way and look at it from a positive spectrum.
and if I ever run into you again.. I know I’ll be able to look you in the eye and shoot you a smile.. a real smile.
is to pick and choose your battles wisely. This is some unknown territory, so before you jump into it thinking you’ll do just fine.. think again because sometimes, things don’t turn out to be as they seem.
Things will turn out the way they’re supposed whether I like it or not. I know I’ve already experienced such a loss, but to me when it comes to relationships that I value, I always end up blaming myself for the failure that occurred. Maybe I’m just over analyzing… shit happens.
But besides all that..
I’m happy .. and that’s the only thing that matters. That I can be happy on my own.. because in the end, that’s all you really have.. yourself..
definitely turned my week around.. ehhhhhhhhhhh. not crackin.
I have a bad feeling about this.. which sucks because usually when I have bad gut feelings.. they come true. I hope this doesn’t.. I hope I’m wrong about this.. because if it happens.. I will definitely be saddened.
I’ve been praying that it doesn’t. and I’ve been being positive.. but after today.. I notice it slowly is.
<gayness>You must love yourself before you expect anyone else to be able to.g
This concept definitely made me think about senior year. Senior year in high school was supposed to be one of the best years of my life, but unfortunately it was the total opposite. I wish I could look back at it like some of my friends and just feel pure happiness that it’s something I’ll remember forever.. but for me it was basically the worst year of my life and something that I would want to re-live and change..or just all together forget (but at the same time no because I learned from it and it’s made me stronger in the ways that I am now). I didn’t just feel total unhappiness and reach rock bottom because of Jake and the situations that came with him, but the fact that I wasn’t happy with myself. I let my emotions eat and control me that I forgot who I was and what I wanted, which ultimately led to the diminish of our relationship, and my own personal suffering. I turned into a person that I wasn’t because I felt so many things were missing when it reality, nothing was… I was too blind to realize all the goodness that surrounded me. I was too busy asking for love from others, when I didn’t even love myself. This is what led to the total mess and whirpool of emotions that I had. I was too busy blaming people for not appreciating me, when in reality I wasn’t appreciating myself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t even matter.. It was definitely weird because I was never that type of person .. and when it hit me that that’s what I had turned into.. It made matters worse.
But now that I’ve slowly but surely realized the goodness that surrounded me, I’ve realized that there’s so much I have to offer. I’m blessed to have a big heart and be accepting of everything and everyone. I’m always open minded and I never let people’s mistakes blind me from the good people that they really are and the intentions that they come with. I feel that now I’ve become so much more accepting than I was before and it makes me happy that no matter how a person seems iffy, I try to see goodness in them because knowing how I felt, I’m sure my subliminal appreciation for their little presence makes somewhat of a difference in their life, just like how some people did that for me when I was in my darkest moments. and if it wasn’t for those people and moments that I shared with them, I don’t think I would have gotten out of that situation as well as I did.
With all this, I’ve realized why I was so unhappy with my life withing the 3 prime months middle of senior year. I was unhappy with myself. I didn’t love myself. I have no right to blame him for what happened, even if it was partially his fault. I put it upon myself. I prolonged it. I didn’t just drop it and move on like the old me would have.. I kept picking and digging and making it deeper and deeper. I didn’t allow myself to heal. Instead I decided to put blame so that I would run away from the fact that something was wrong with me. I’m glad I could admit that now.
At this point in my life… I grew from that situation and I slowly learned to love myself. Once I started doing that.. things fell into place so easily. It was like I just woke up one day and I was all better. I had the power in me, and I was just too stupid… or maybe just scared to prove to myself that I could get over it and realize that life wasn’t so bad after all. Looking back at it now makes me laugh because I literally say to myself “Wow.. I really was like that… why… how..Woooow..” & I’m just in disbelief. The moment you love yourself is the moment you love your life.. just like that quote:
"You have to love the life you live, to live the life you love." or something like that.
If only I could re-live my senior year, I would definitely do things differently. I would participate in more things.. even though I was in leadership and planned most of the events, I FELT SO DEPRIVED! I just feel like I missed out because I was stuck… stuck in a hole that I dug for myself :( but one thing’s for sure.. even though I say I wanna re-live it.. If I were given the chance, I’d say no, straight up.. Because if it wasn’t for everything that happened senior year.. I would probably not love life as much as I do now :)
I don’t know what triggered me to write this.. but I’m glad I did.
“Now I’m feelin’ how I should, Never knew single could feel this good, oh, Stop playin’ misunderstood. Back in the game, who knew I would, oh, So flat, I’mma spread my wings, Loving myself makes me wanna sing, Oh, oh yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Told me get my shit together, Now I got my shit together, yeah, Now I made it through the weather, Better days are gonna get better!! fashoo!”—
Though our situation didn't go according to plan, I've left your memory in the palm of my hands. A heart never breaks even, but I've gained strength with what I can. I don't regret our connection or the fact that we ever began. At least we attempted to give us a chance. The consequent hurts but I guess that's the mechanism in the art of romance. One falls down, while the other one lands.
Songs: 1. Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are 2. B.O.B. feat. Bruno Mars - Nothing On You 3. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy 4. Britney Spears - Hit Me, Baby, One More Time 5. Jason Derulo - In My Head 6. Justin Timberlake - My Love 7. Lady Gaga - Just Dance 8. Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love 9. Ne-Yo - So Sick 10. Michael Jackson - Black Or White 11. Snoop Dogg - Sexual Eruption 12. Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger 13. Taylor Swift - Fifteen 14. Taylor Swift - Fearless 15. Savage Garden - The Animal Song 16. Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
I knew it was going to come sooner or later.. I hope what I said is sufficient..
I don’t want to make anything out of it.. Those situations were always somewhat random.. Idk if I’m supposed to deny if there is something developing, but I can sense there is and I’m just not letting it. I don’t want to over analyze this.. I’ve done too much of that already.. I don’t want to have to do that again.. especially now with something new…
I look at you and I no longer see the same person. I look at you and right at that moment, I know why our hearts went its separate ways. I look at you and think to myself, did I really invest all that time to end up where I am now? I look at you, I look at you, and again everything seems lost, empty, gone. I look at you, and I’m in disbelief.
The stupidest thing a girl can ever do is stop following her dreams because of a boy. I understand that they can say it’s a love that they’ve never had and it’s something they want, but in all honesty love shouldn’t stop you from being the person you’ve always intended to be. Having a dream and being able to live it shouldn’t be taken for granted. How many chances are going to be handed to you just like that? No boy will ever amount to the satitsfsction of knowing i’ve taken a chance at the goal I’ve been striving for. In all honesty, love can wait.. And if it really is love nothing should stop you from being together, especially your dreams. He should understand what you wanted in life BEFORE he came along especially if you’ve stuck to it. Don’t try to change and plan your life according to that one person.. chances are they’re just going to suck it and deal or just leave you in the end. That’s when you have to find someone worthy of you AND your dreams.
Just sayin’. Everyones entitled to their own opinion. Live your life according to you. That’s all you have. Everyone else just/should bring out the best in you.
Back in Antioch for two days…& the moment I step foot out in public who do I end up running into? Yeah… Ohwell.. Thought we both left this town… I love how the rare weekends I’m back, you are too? Sike.
Besides that… I hung out wif Michelle Jamie and joecel :) I missed them a lot. I also saw wiston and kelleigh for a bit. I must say returning back to dv gave me several mixed emotions… As much as I missed highschool I’m so glad to be out of there. In fact I don’t think I really miss it, just the memories that were made. Das it.
Oh and this guuuuuy.. You’re funny I must say. Ugh I don’t like this. I really forgot how these things work.. But whaaaaaateva.